This is a hard post for me to write. I struggle with feeling inferior to others every day. But I am not inferior, so why do I feel that way?
Within my head there is a constant struggle acknowledging the gifts God has given me. Because He has chosen to give me gifts that are not "mainstream," I grapple with my lack of self-confidence. For years I have been struggling with seeing the gifts God has given me and using them appropriately. I am constantly seeking God with reflection, but I don't often get answers. Who am I? What can I do to honor Him? How can I serve Him? What are my gifts that will give Him glory and honor?
Unfortunately, I tend to focus on the gifts I have not been given. I don't speak well in crowds nor do I have an easy time writing out my thoughts. Since I have difficulty with reading comprehension, I lack an understanding of the Bible and the Catechism. I am anxious and afraid with people because I have a hard time trusting and feeling comfortable in groups. Feelings of being insignificant and forgotten plague me which leads me to self-doubt and, at times, self-loathe. Instead of being influential in the Church, I find myself questioning my place and any plans God could possibly use me for.
God knows all. He made me as I am, with my quirks, talents, and abilities. He has a purpose for me and I need to trust in Him that He made me this way and loves me this way. There are days when all I can see are my faults. I could sit here and write a 10-page report about my faults. I started this blog post doing just that, but instead I want to talk about the opposite. I am learning to let go of the negativity that I am placing in my own head. Why do that to myself? God knows me. God knows my soul. God knows everything about me. Clearly I need to allow Him to provide for me. Instead of searching and clamoring for spiritual gifts that He has not bestowed on me, I should be praising and honoring Him with the gifts He has granted me.
God gave me a voice. Yes, I can sing. No, I am not an opera star, but I can sing for Him in my way. It is a little way, but it is what He has given me and I should be grateful for it. God gave me a violin and a viola. I can play them for His glory. I am not in a symphony right now, nor will I ever be a soloist but that does not matter. People have enjoyed my music and I have been told it has enhanced their worship at church. Isn't that enough? Isn't that more than some?
I did not earn these gifts, nor do I deserve them. They have been freely bestowed upon me by the Holy Spirit. He knows exactly what I need and I need to trust that He has given me what I need to do the work He wants me to do. With that being said, I am not any less of a person that someone with more spiritual gifts. God loves me and He will use me as He sees fit, just as He uses others that allow it. Perhaps this is just a part of my life to teach me humility and faith. We are all sinners that need His grace to get to heaven. I am not inferior because we are all the same.
I will continue trying to be what He wants me to be, whatever that may be. He loves me and He died for me. That is enough. We are here to know, love, and serve God in this life so that we may be with Him in heaven and if I focus on that, then I can stop myself from being jealous or envious of others.
O Holy Spirit, descend plentifully into my heart. Enlighten the dark corners of this neglected dwelling and scatter there Thy cheerful beams. --Saint Augustine